I sat in my chair, desperately trying to make her believe that she was lovable. Her history of pain had left her to conclude that she was fundamentally inferior, unworthy of love. Cognitive behavioral therapy wasn’t working. Debate wasn’t working. Reassurance wasn’t working.
My whole psychological bag of tricks couldn’t cut through the belief that was thick, heavy, gray and impermeable as concrete. I felt helpless and sad that she couldn’t see her own value.
“God, I prayed, I just can’t cut through this. Could you please somehow help her to know that she is loved?”
In the next minute, she interrupted me. “I’m so sorry to interrupt you,” she said, “but do you know that an angel is standing behind your chair?”
I tried hard to be cool. I had no clue that there was an angel at my chair. I’d never seen an angel, spoken to one, or knew anyone who had. In fact, while I’m a person of faith…somehow, I always had skepticism when people talked about angels. Or maybe it’s because I’m highly trained in recognizing delusions, hallucinations and mental illness.
I tried to be nonchalant. I didn’t want to use her time to satisfy my raging curiosity. “What does it look like?,” I asked.
“Well, she said, “it’s really tall, and its wing is wrapping down around the back of your chair, sort of coming down at your shoulder. Is that right? Are they called wings? I’ve never seen one before, so it’s hard to describe it.”
I smiled inside. I’d never seen an angel, so arm…wings, I did not need to correct the anatomy of an angel.
“So, I don’t know what you might be going through right now,” she said, “but I thought I’d let you know. And it was sort of distracting me, but I’m sorry for interrupting.”
This woman was not mentally ill. She had no history of hallucinations, and further, she had no strong interest in spirituality or angels. She believed that there is a God, but the specifics and the angel realm weren’t part of our conversations.
The part that I still don’t understand is that I was praying for HER. And from her description, it seemed like the angel was there for me.
In the months that followed, I had this steady reminder, “you’re not by yourself in trying to make a difference. You don’t have to carry this all on your shoulders.”
I’ve always been comfortable around people of all faiths and no faiths, so if you are reading this and are skeptical and appalled instead of inspired, it’s okay. You don’t have to believe in angels or God or a supernatural anything. But maybe consider that you might not be as alone as you think you are. Maybe other people will help you and you just haven’t met them yet. Maybe, others are going through the same thing and simply not talking about it. And yes, maybe there is an angel in the back of the chair and you just don’t know it.
I hope you keep trying to make a difference. I hope you know that you are not alone.